Sex Talk – Allow Dosage Flexibility

Ah. Sometimes I wish I could be allowed one peep into God’s prayer registry!

It takes being the supernatural divine Almighty to answer everyone’s prayers instead of coming up with a one-size-fits-all remedy. Take this Mumbai man who gave me a broad smile last week. Reported in the Times of India, the man, married in 2012 sought divorce – successfully – because his wife was sexually insatiable.

He said, after working three shifts at work to make ends meet, he just could not take his wife’s demands for “sex as usual” anymore. He was concerned that he had to bring his A-game regardless of these circumstances. Clearly, doctors could have a name for this madam’s problem, like sex addiction, but it could also be that she just had a normal but high libido and mister just could not match it stride for stride.

Just like the “unkind” comments after the article suggested, for every man like him praying that his wife’s libido gets toned down a notch, there are possibly thousands more petitioning the heavens for a problem like his!

One reader said: “Anything is better than nothing”, while another joked: “Perfect! Does she make scones too?”

That is why, like in the 2003 movie Bruce Almighty, I can only imagine what the heavenly prayer registry must look like. But on the other hand, reading the article was also refreshing to see that there is a man who finally understands – the hard way – that there is such a thing as “too much sex”, even for a wife, especially in this era of both of you contributing to the family income.

Don’t just ride on the “you are my wife, goddamnit” line to rape, if necessary, the wife who has indulged your demands all week and now requests for a few nights of peace and quiet, without sex. In fact there are husbands who use the excuse of a heavily-pregnant and thus less sexually-indulgent wife, to start extramarital affairs in spite of their baggage and resultant problems.

Years ago, a new mother even took refuge in a city newsroom, because her husband had refused to sit out the six weeks as prescribed by the doctor before sex could resume. Never mind that she had had a C-section birth and now spotted a painful-looking distended belly as a result of the “harassment” in her marital bed.

Mismatched sexual libidos are all too common, and if your marriage is one of those and you find your wife fitting well in that Mumbai man’s shoes and you in his insatiable wife’s, try to strike a balance instead. You can meet each other half way, by say, the high-libido spouse agreeing to mutually-agreeable ‘portions’ – like from sex daily to thrice a week, while the low-libido spouse increases hisher rations from say, thrice a month to at least twice a week for a start.

With healthy discussions and even counselling, the low-libido spouse can learn to allow him or herself to be eased into the mood without coercion, for the sake of the marriage. If you have good communication lines, love and respect, mismatched libidos need not be grounds for divorce, unless the high-load spouse’s libido is as a result of a psychological ailment.

In one of her books, renowned Australian psychologist Tracey Cox has even talked about the need for timetables in such situations. Unromantic as that may initially sound, it is very doable and can actually be just as sexy as spontaneity, knowing the D-day as it approaches and preparing beforehand. You could settle for that.

But the first stage is understanding that depending on the circumstances, there can be such a thing as “too much sex”.

For example, if your breadwinner wife spends her days sealing deals on Kampala’s harsh streets and still manages to squeeze in trips to the school PTA meeting and scheduled meetings with the landlord, not to mention Umeme et al, accept the possibility that she could actually be too tired for sex, and not simply making excuses. Same for husbands.

So, if you are having regular, enjoyable doses of lovemaking, be flexible don’t insist on your twice-a-day servings. That is a marriage, not prescription pills.

Source : The Observer

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