If you heard rumours that your partner was cheating, what is the first measure you take? Of course, for those that do not stand nonsense, the only way is to confront their spouse with rage, then there are those who would rather ignore the rumour because after all, what they do not know will not hurt them.
Ideally, the best option would be to sit your partner down and ask them about the things you heard. But the chances of honesty here are 5050, so you are left with the only option – spying. But how safe is it?
Suspicion is a strong emotion that cannot easily be hidden. You will find yourself always signaling doubt by making accusations, acting anxiously and being overly inquisitive.
Also, when you spy and discover he or she is cheating, the discovery exposes the truth and brings the problems to the surface, but if your cheating partner does not concede, then all your efforts were in vain. There are also instances when your suspicions maybe wrong thereby violating your partner’s trust.
Teresa Nalumansi, a married mother of four, confesses to having spied on her husband after suspecting that he was cheating.
“There was a time I heard rumours that he was seeing another woman, so I disguised myself and dressed like a man every evening for two weeks. In the third week, when I was about to give up, I caught him. I did not cause a scene but when I returned home, I confronted him but he still denied. Now he has another wife in the village,” she says.
According to Evelyn Lufafa, a counsellor at Ssuubi Medical Centre, spying can be done in different ways. There are people who opt to hire spies, install surveillance cameras in their bedrooms, retrieve deleted emails in case they use the same computer or laptop, check mobile phones and keep tabs on their partner’s behavioural change.
“Often, a cheating partner acts smart and it is difficult to catch them.However, not all cheaters are smart enough to hide their traces. It, however, takes a very keen partner to realise the changes,” Lufafa says.
She adds that, for example, a partner who was communicating frequently, will stop and will talk to you only once in a while. The communication pattern changes either they cut down communication with you because they are communicating with someone else or they start picking calls in a different manner.
Some, especially men, show reduced home and financial responsibility towards their partners and may return home with lipstick traces on their shirts, different scents, makeup traces and others.
“They will stop replying texts, start hiding their phones or even switching them off. For some, their urge to be with you reduces and they will come up with excuses such as fatigue, sickness and dodge any intimacy with you,” Lufafa says.
Ali Male of Uganda Counselling Association, however, notes that there could be other causes of the stress, such as financial problems and other changes, which may be mistaken for cheating.
Lufafa warns that before you choose to spy on your partner, be ready to bear with the outcomes. You should be ready to deal with your anger, disappointment or break-up in case your partner finds out you were spying on them, because then trust is lost.
“If you suspect infidelity, better talk to your partner one on one. The rumour you may have heard from someone may be false and if your partner finds out you are spying on them, this may lead to a break-up in your relationship,” Male says.
WOULD YOU SPY ON YOUR PARTNER?
“I would get a close friend who knows her movements to tell me what she does. If I get similar info from two of her friends, then I would confirm she is cheating. Even though she found out I was spying on her, it would mean that I care for her and that I want to protect our relationship,”
Rogers Natumara, single, IT technician
“I do not have time to spy on a woman out of nowhere. Even the rumours cannot be enough, but if I ever found her with any man whom I suspect, then I would spy on her but only if there have been any changes in her character. If she does not show it, I would not bother,”
Geoffrey Ssenyange, Married, businessman
“For the sake of our relationship, I would secretly spy on her but I would not disclose anything to her until I find evidence against her. I would not ask friends to help because this may cause her to lose her dignity so I would just follow her movements,”
Gideon Wabulembo, married, Chef
“I would not risk spying because if I caught him, I would hurt more. Spying is stressful and may lead to a break-up in case your suspicions were wrong. It means you do not trust your partner,”
Irene Kantono, dating, secretary
“Any sensible woman would not spy on their partner because it puts you on pressure. It is difficult to hide suspicion, so he will definitely find out and this may be the end of your relationship. If he decided to cheat, even when you spy and find out, he will continue,”
Stella Nalugwa, single, waitress
“Human beings are rational and can do whatever they want. Spying on your partner will not solve the problem of a cheating husband. If I have any suspicions, I would sit down with him and talk about it. If I see there is change in character and he denies, then we can talk this over with a neutral person,”
Winfred Nanteza, single, businesswoman
Compiled by Beatrice Nakibuuka
Before you spy…
• How sure are you that your spouse has committed a grave error?
• If you are certain, why do you need physical evidence?
• Will your relationship be able to bounce back from your spying? Why or why not?
• What are you going to do if your suspicions are correct?
• What is your gut telling you?