That long fingernail

Dear men,
What exactly were you thinking when you decided to grow a fingernail the length of the Nile on your poor little fingers? You know, the most terrible part of this habit is that only one nail is cultivated and reared.

It would be better if one were to grow these things evenly than to totally ignore the rest, as if they were merely squatters erecting their miserable tin shacks on one’s land.

What purpose would it serve to have one extra-long fingernail, especially as a man? It is completely unforgivable, unless the person sporting the nail is the victim of a hormonal imbalance affecting that specific fingernail.

Somebody once told me, and I don’t know how true this is, that there is a certain narcotic that is measured in fingernail length, so if ever I see granules of white powder scattered inside your abomination of a fingernail, then don’t blame me for calling the police. I’m simply performing my duty as a law-abiding citizen.

Supposing you really are innocent, and are not rearing that fingernail for drug purposes, then I can only imagine it is performing the task of a toothpick, an ear bud, a lever, a screwdriver and a fork, all in one. My stomach has given several heaves after picturing various scenarios in which the fingernail could perform each of these uses (in particular, after a meal involving any kind of meat). Heavens forbid! And then you have the gall to try to woo a lady with that disease-ridden mass of keratin waving about? Oh heavens no! Forget it!

How are her dainty hands, nourished daily by expensive lotions, supposed to be held in yours when there is every danger of your piercing one of her veins at any moment? What if she contracts tetanus from the jagged edges of your ghoulish nail? How are you supposed to caress her hair, when her tender curls may get painfully caught up in that human Swiss-knife you are rearing at the tip of your finger? My friend, you are not being fair, not to yourself, not to her and not to society!

SOURCE: Daily Monitor


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