She left for eight months

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I have been married to the mother of my four-year-old child for five years. In February last year, she left me with the baby and rented another place, citing some bad habits of mine. She vowed never to come back. Her parents said they could not help me since she never went to their house when she left and yet I had paid her bride price. After eight months, I started dating another woman, but my wife came and chased her away, threatening to kill her. She went away after the threat. I apologised and convinced her to come back. Last month she returned to our home, but the problem is that she says she came back for the baby, not me. She does house chores very well, but she does not want us to talk. She is always moody and only happy with the child. She cannot allow me to sleep or sit near her or even touch her. I have not seen signs of her having a lover. Will she change? Problem she hates dialogue with anybody.
-Ivan

Your solutions

Dear Ivan, you need to give her some time and pray for her as well, I am sure she will change.
Monica

She will ruin your life, so you need to act now. Call all stakeholders her parents, yours and all other parties and resolve all issues, for example, ask if she is back as a wife or not. There is no such thing as back for the baby. Signs show she won’t allow you to be happy with her or another woman. She is only back because you meet all the bills and she only wants to intimidate you. Try returning home late and you will see her interrogate you, yet she wants no relationship with you. Epali

Hello Ivan, sorry for what you are going through. At least now she is back and you see her every day. Give her time to rebuild your relationship. Just be good, with time she will forgive you for whatever it is that you did and everything will get back to normal.
Flavia

First deal with the habits she cannot deal with, then everything will be alright. If you don’t, she will leave you again.
Emmaculate

Act like you do not mind about what she does, like you have given in to her behaviour, then she will feel jealous and come around.
Raniah
Ruth Terrie: Sorry Ivan, but you caused it yourself. Give her time and be good to her, however much she does not want to talk to you, because she is still hurt inside. With time everything will be okay. Make sure you do not do the same mistakes you did before because maybe you bringing in another woman worsened things. Do not give up, I know it may not be easy but try your best because she is your wife. Marriage is not a bed of roses.

Mutyaba De Katamba: Have you worked on your bad habits? I don’t think that she came back only for the child. Try to be a good husband, provision and protection should be your virtues, write an apology letter and drop it where she can easily find it, until you see a sunrise of her mercies.

Harriet Harry: Give her time by pretending not to want to talk. Provide whatever you are required of, then keep quiet. One day, you will hear her say “honey we need to talk.’’

John Chris Kamba: That woman is tending to be a big problem to your life. If you can, go away for some time, she will miss you and reform.

Osotimehin Koleola Awosanya: Give her time, she will come out of her shell.

Nakabiri Rosette: You are such a lucky man. Your wife loves you so much that is why she came back to you. You only have to change and change those bad habits.

Wanyama Herbert: Have you changed your bad habits? If not, call it quits.

Ibanda Ronald: Just give it time. It is only time that cures the most horrible wounds in life. With time, she will learn the complete meaning of life at your home. But when that time comes, remember to check your status.

Maggie Stainless: The way she is acting are all signs of guilt. Man, just do what your heart tells you, but never go astray. What I know is that she still has feelings for you.

Zirintuusa Mike: She is a very wise woman. In fact, she loves you very much. You are the one who killed the communication in your relationship. Start the dialogue with simple text messages. Get to her heart again take her to the beach or any other relaxed environment, she will open up. Wish you the best.

Georgina Nabagereka Kawere: Sorry, but thank God you have not touched her. First check her status and yours too, and if she does not change in the near future, let her know your pain. If she refuses, just let go because she thinks you cannot leave her.

Ayanfeoluwa Margret: Just give her some time and be watchful. Make her happy, give her the things she loved most when she was still happy with you, take her out on dates and so on. Goodluck!

Benard Ronoh: Don’t worry much about that, so long as she is in the house. Just give her some days and you will see her coming to you.

Kisakye Inshuti: At least show her that you redeemed yourself, otherwise you will completely lose her.

Ebwonyu Eboku Samuel: She is just pretending. May be she is even infected by now. Time will come when she will accept to give you everything you ask for, and that will be the time for her to kill you. If you still need her to be your wife, then test her more than thrice. If she does not want, leave her.

Kenneth Biketi Wamono: She will cool, just give her a break. Having come back still angered, just treat her well and don’t forget to apologise even where you do not need to.

Benard Mwesigwa Jester: If you accepted her to come back, then you still love her. But she is not for you, she has a reason she is back. Act like a man and let her go, you will have peace. You are responsible for your own happiness.

Precious Prima: The fact that she came back means she still needs you, but give her less attention, don’t mind her, soon she will be the one begging.

Shadia Naddumba: The fact that she came back when you got another woman is a sign that she still loves you .With time she will have to show it. (You know how women can want to pretend).

Counsellor says Evelyn Lufafa, Suubi Medical Centre, Kira

Dear Ivan, I do not know what kind of mistake you did that compelled your wife to leave the house. I cannot predict whether she can change but it all depends on how she has behaved whenever you had a fight with her before the break.
There is no such thing as returning for the sake of the baby because if you are married, you have conjugal rights to intimacy with this woman.
Eight months apart is quite a long time. Therefore, before you make any step ahead, go for an HIV test first because you cannot know how she was moving on with her life in the past year.
Also, note how often she got angry the time you were together, how she reacted and how she got over it. When you angered her and apologised, did she forgive you?
It is very dangerous and abnormal for her to still be angry with you for all this time. It is healthy for lovers to pick fights and have cold wars but if it goes beyond a month, it needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Speak to a person you both trust and respect, probably a close relative who will give a free environment so she can open up.
Her parents too should be able to help you out and probably she has told them about why she is behaving that way, but it also depends on the type of relationship you have had with them.

Compiled by Beatrice Nakibuuka

Next week’s problem

Dear Heart to Heart, I am 21 years old and I have been dating a 34-year-old man who works upcountry. When we met he opened up to me that he had a daughter. Things with the mother of the child did not work out because she was a Christian and he is a staunch Muslim. For all the time we were together, I was faithful to him until he came back. Recently, I received a call from a woman claiming I should leave her husband alone. I called my fiance and told him but he said it was all false information. The calls and insults kept coming, with the woman saying they have two children together. One morning the woman called and she was with the man and indeed it was my so-called fiancé. The problem is that I am pregnant but this man does not know. After all the humiliation I went through, I am convinced I should abort the pregnancy because this man played with my feelings and now I do not want any connection to him. What should I do? Please aise.
-Anonymous

SOURCE: Daily Monitor

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