Sex Talk – How Big Are Your Flames?

I read somewhere that: “Love needs something to burn, or else it will fall away like an unfed fire”.

So, what does your love burn?

Children, milestones achieved together, challenges overcome as a couple, even angry breakups and makeups, can all contribute to being the charcoal that makes the fire in your marriage burn bright. Yet all of these things cannot be constants that keep the fire burning. Yes, a child can bring immense joy to a marriage, but after a while, even that may not stop the embers from dying out.

A beautiful house you built together can cause quite its share of ecstasy, especially if you are naughty enough to initiate each room in quite sexy ways before the rest of the family moves in… wink-wink.

But after that wears off, then what?

Haven’t you heard of the sad marital woes spilling from behind some of the most beautiful high-fence houses in Kampala’s posh suburbs?

The one thing that can be reinvented over and over as the marital carriage rolls along – if you care, that is – making the fire burn at different variations but never going out completely, is the sex. Nothing beats a sexless marriage in hardship – unless it was in your prenup!

Like Joyce Meyer wrote in her book, Making Marriage Work, love is not a choice, it is a commitment. Commit to refreshing the love by refreshing the sex. Otherwise, everyone starts on the same footing of “we love each other” but then, so what? Start working on keeping that status quo, by staying relevant in bed, by keeping on top of your game, by not taking things for granted.

I don’t know why, even in this day and era, people are still so scared of the word ‘sex’. They would rather just do it – even terribly – but not discuss it not even with their spouses. I remember about nine years ago when The Observer was still a baby, the good old pastor Martin Sempa called the office landline and when I picked and introduced myself, he said, “Aha. Nakazibwe. Why are you that obsessed with sex?” Sadly, before I could answer him, a bad network connection – or was it low credit? – saved the day.

But that is the general assumption. If someone finds nothing awkward about talking about sex, then there could possibly be something very twisted about them. Actually, even the person with some very serious sexual perversions going on in their lives finds the person who puts the word sex in print as the one in need of a shrink.

As a result, bad sex has become the elephant in the room when it comes to many marriages. Yet sex is the one constant – health and proximity permitting – you can count on to keep the fire burning, although once couples finish with the honeymoon, sex is the first thing to be shelved because it takes on a monotonous schedule. They only dig it up for procreation purposes.

By the time you blow on the fading embers to create baby number four, the ashes are too cold for any magic. Before long, the multiple infidelities start as the couple searches for cosier fires outside the marriage, moving on to other fires once those extra fires also grow cold, until an STD-packed sexual network is well in place.

Think about it if every married person cared about regularly bringing their A-game to the marital bed, there would be less stress factors in the home, because then, the other pillars that help hold a marriage would be reinforced by the pink, striped elephants’ availability. Work on bettering yourself in bed.

Someone once told me he loves being married because there he gets no performance anxiety wifey settles for whatever to-whom-it-may-concern performance is in store. How wrong!

True, there is no need for performance anxiety and its possible resultant dysfunctions, but especially in marriage, you should care what you are unleashing for your spouse and never take his or her having chosen you, for granted. A country song by Brad Paisley that I love says: “Love [herhim] like [she’s] leaving oh and I guarantee, [she] won’t.”

Source : The Observer


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