He changed a lot after the baby came

The problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I have been married for 16 months. Before I got pregnant my husband was very caring, but when I conceived, he changed a lot. He would come home late, and eventually he started sleeping out. When I gave birth, he only came to pay the hospital bill, but he was not there for me at all. He had a child before we met, but he never mentioned anything about him to me. Our baby is now five months, but I recently found out that he has another baby younger than ours. What should I do?
-Confused Lilliane

your solutions

Some men are too selfish and cowardly. They only appear to be fathers when the child they fathered is out of the pamper stage, graduating or getting married. Run woman! Be happy and enjoy your life with your baby, forget that man. Take care of yourself and your baby. It may be hard at the start but you will make it. By the way HIVAids is real, so don’t look back if at all you survived the first mix.
Violah

Sorry about your husband, but let me ask, did you agree on when to have a baby? Because I know my sisters think that the only way to cling or lengthen a relationship is to have a child.
Michael

Somehow he has turned you into a door mat. You should have acted earlier when he started sleeping out. Sometimes we don’t have to be patient with habitual cowards, confront him and if he gives excuses move on because clearly he acts like he made a grave mistake in marrying you. Prayer alone won’t help, act and act fast!
Joanni

Sorry about that. According to what he is doing he is caring about that other woman and the baby and as you know a man can never love two women equally, so please if you have a job and you can afford to look after yourself and the baby, please move on because the more you try to tag yourself to him, the more you get hurt. But all will be well, no condition is permanent dear.
Marie

You already have a child with him, go on to play your role as a good mother and wife. Don’t leave him he will change slowly. They are all the same, better the devil you know than an angel you don’t know.
Sheila

Sorry Lilliane, but you should bear with it because nowadays all men are like that and it’s not happening to you alone, stay strong and look after your baby.
Ruth

A woman makes a man hence the saying “behind every successful man is a woman”. Lilliane, you have to make your man or else, other women will make him. I guess you used to nag him while you were pregnant just the way other women do during this period. Get back to him and sort everything out. If it means asking for forgiveness where you did not do wrong, just do it for the sake of that innocent soul.
Tabu
So sad! Infidelity must be the cause. Lilliane my dear, cry out all your problems to God, pray so hard, He never disappoints, your man will change.
Harriet

My dear Lilliane, If married in church please seek for help from church or a marriage counsellor but if not please move on, walk out of that ‘’marriage’’, you will find someone who will accept you with your child, and a man who will cherish you. That man was not honest from the start and may never be.
Monica

However much he has done all that to you, know that God hasn’t done anything bad to you. Trust in God, one day he will come back. Just care for your baby.
Cyprian

That is just a test from God, be strong because that is small according to the challenges that women face in marriage. Try to be good and please give your heart to Jesus and your children because men are such a disgrace. Cast your burdens unto Jesus.
Tina

Take care of your baby my sister, I know you just got the baby by accident, nobody is to blame because an accident is something which is not planted by two parties, God will be with you at all the time.
Macja

Give your life to Christ and pray for your husband because the Bible says the prayer of a righteous man avails much. For your case that is nothing, first become righteous and your prayers will work.
Calvin

Be patient, as long as he gives you support, don’t mind, raise your child. That guy will come back to you. If he doesn’t, you are also not too old to get another man.
Sarah

Hey girl, that’s sad but don’t let that bother you at all. Focus on your child and gather your life and move on because before you know it, you will even go extra miles. Just stand up and be strong.
Whine

You know you women when you get pregnant you tend to quarrel a lot and to demand a lot for the baby. You may find you quarrelled with him and he left, and during that time he got another girl and impregnated her. What I know he will come back, just pray and tell the elders to talk to him.
Bash

I know how hard it is to forget the one you love, but let him go you still have more chances to live and take care of yourself and the baby. Stop stressing yourself, men are like that. Take heart, God is in control.
Loveliny

Your husband is a coward and is now transferring his frustration to you. Don’t let him. Stay focused. Love your baby and yourself to bits, he will finally come around and apologise as you pray to God for divine intervention.
Irene

I would want to know how you found out that he has a baby younger than yours. Your husband was very caring but not loving. Secondly, you need to thank God for the gift of a child and promise that baby that you will always be there for himher no matter what. You need to thank God for the bad and good that is happening and move on. He will see you through.
Richard

Men who fear responsibilities, why didn’t he use protection in the first place if he wasn’t ready to bear a child? I feel so sorry for you but if you can sustainably look after your baby, do so and forget about that promiscious man, you really don’t deserve him and we must appreciate that whatever goes around comes around. We can try to ignore reality but we can’t avoid its consequences.
Brians

Counsellor’s take :Joseph Musaalo, Director Adonai Counselling and Training Services

Dear Lilliane, you realise you are discovering a number of issues you did not know about your partner, which is a reflection that maybe you never had enough courtship period to study each other better? Although you are already in a marriage, you need to forge a way forward initiate dialogue with your partner. Sit down with him and exhaustively discuss issues that could be causing the change in behaviour.

It is, therefore, during the sit-down dialogue with only two of you that you need to agree on several matters like how many children you should have and when to do so, so that it helps each of you to plan better. Sometimes, not all men will want to have children just a year after their wedding day, though others do. If you feel your talk to him on a one-on-one, is not working, then you can seek the involvement of the elders.

But also you and your husband will need some counselling because, the way things are moving, it is likely that you never had premarital counselling, which is a very vital step in preparing couples before entering the marriage institution. It could be that your husband thought you would not accept him, or react angrily if he told you that he had a child somewhere.

Your husband could also be a person with an African mind, that a real man should have as many children as he can. But there is no way you will know all this unless you sit down with him on drawing board to iron out the ghost thinking that is looming in your mind.
Compiled by Farahani Mukisa

SOURCE: Daily Monitor

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