Dating a psychopath

“There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” Those are words of Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, a German philosopher.
For long, I have struggled to get my head wrapped around the meaning of that quote, until lately when I got to experience this madness.
You cannot even fathom the sadness, the shock and confusion that gripped me when I discovered that the good nature exuded by my girlfriend of eight months was all but a facade.
Beneath the tender care, beaming smile, never-ending concern for my wellbeing and ululations of her love for me, was a simmering distrust that fuelled a queer and unsanctioned investigation into my life.
She checked my texts, sent friends to spy on me, always asked where I was and if I did not call, she concluded that I was cheating.
She kept all that from me. She never mentioned a word on what she was going through, until recently when she flipped and lost it.

Bursting the bubble
It was on a quiet Saturday evening, right about 10pm and we were watching a movie together when my phone rang. On the other end of the phone was the loud voice of a young woman. It was one of my colleagues from work inviting me to a party.
I politely declined the invitation and hung up the phone. As I reached out to place it on the table, my girlfriend snatched it from my hand and hurled it across the room. She got up from the couch with an intense stare fixed on me – I could see her eyes welling up.
“I am tired D. I am tired. I won’t be taken for a fool anymore. You have been cheating on me with those bu-girls. I have had it!” she barked, and with a finger pointing at me, stormed to the bedroom, parked her clothes and left late in the night.
I stared on in utter astonishment. Suddenly, my flower petal in summer, the love of my life, my morning sunshine, had turned into something I could not quite recognise. Did I just do something wrong to trigger such an outburst? It baffled me.

Turning point
However, after a week of retrospection and consultation, I discovered that the fault in my relationship had been a bizarre breakdown in communication. I had driven my girlfriend to insanity by not being frank with her about her daily undertakings.
And she on the other hand, had aided her lunacy by not asking me to be transparent. Nevertheless, it was already too late, my ‘angelic flower’ had turned into a psychopath who subsequently ended our relationship.
So, how do you see the tell-tale symptoms of being a psychopath
Andrew Mbabazi, a psychologist, in an explanation of this case, says in a relationship sense, psychosis is a broad issue that may manifest itself in the form of delusions, paranoia or even violence.
“Some people become extremely introverted and they cease to share anything or speak openly. All these signs do not occur at once. They are spread over a period of time and usually tantamount into crimes of passion if left ignored and unchecked,” he notes.
The year 2015 has had its fair share of such crimes of passion. In February, media tabloids reported a case of a man in Luuka District who beat up his wife so badly that she later died from the wounds.
Ibrahim Kintu Kamayamba, beat up Faith Tibawula after suspecting that she was fashioning herself up to meet other men and cheat on him. His suspicions rose when Tibawula left home quietly and came back with a new dress. The jealous Kintu descended on her and beat up the mother of nine senseless.
Earlier in the month, another man in Najjera, Kira Town Council, strangled his girlfriend Lydia Namusoke over suspected infidelity.
Then there was the March case of a 45-year-old woman, Joyce Nakalema, who killed her husband Vincent Kagiri after learning that he had received Shs175, 000 from their future son-in-law and refused to share it with her.
The incident occurred in Kyawagonya Village, Lwengo District
These cases have not been limited to Uganda. In Zimbabwe, there was a recent strange case of a jealous frenzy woman who brutally stabbed her husband Petros Mutasa to death over a text message on his mobile phone believed to be from the husband’s “side chick”.

Why such acts occur
Mbabazi stresses that such extreme actions are usually a result of negative emotions that have been built over time and at their peak illicit extreme outburst.
“If your lover does not speak to you for days, they smile less often than they used to or they do it is with a tinge of pretense, then there is cause to worry,” Mbabazi says.
However, he notes that such retaliations may also be a result of the other partner’s misdeeds and a breakdown in communication.
“Imagine someone vanishing for nights or days and they have a string of exes. Of course, such behaviour will trigger paranoia and delusion and if you do not communicate your activities, it will be hard for your lover to put these transgressions out of their mind,” he adds.
Most of us have referred to a ‘psycho ex’ or a ‘psycho lover’ at one time or another, but few really understand what the term means.
“In my experience as a psychologist, I have seen and in instances, dealt with people who have ended up in jail for murder, violence or fraud. But I have become increasingly fascinated by how these traits manifest themselves in people who might never become criminals,” Mbabazi explains.
He reveals that studies have shown between one to three per cent of people exhibit psycho tendencies, thus chances are, one in every 100 friends you have may be one.
“They might not be a criminal, but they are emotionally dangerous. A psychopathic partner will drive your self-esteem so low that you are incapable of escape.”
Mbabazi explains that love can be blind, and psychopaths are incredibly skilled at mimicking loving behaviour. But it means nothing to them, and they do it only to get what they want.
“She takes too many risks at work and treats you like a pawn in her game. In fact, she can even provide you with convenient sex, do things for you and give you company,” he says.
“A psychopathic partner declares love one minute, and then threatens to leave you the next, until your self-esteem is so low you are incapable of escape.”
Mbabazi points out that such people might even disappear for days, take money from your wallet, cheat on you, but make you feel you are over-reacting when you confront them. They will twist the situation so it’s you who ends up apologising.

How to get out of it

• Accept you are never going to change a psychopathic partner — and they will never be capable of loving you.
• If you decide to leave, get legal aice if necessary and surround yourself with friends.
• If you cannot leave straightaway, at least ensure you have a separate bank account.
• Practise being assertive. Speak in a calm, low tone. Stay sure of your own mind and do not collude in your partner’s distorted version of events. If you are not a pushover, your partner will do you the inaertent kindness of leaving you instead.
• Before things get out of hand, always remember to communicate.

SOURCE: Daily Monitor


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